Life Traveller. Been Somewhere. Going Somewhere.

Blog.co.uk really does work in mysterious ways, as I have observed on a number of occassions. The latest mystery working to come to my attention is that on days that you post you'll get one third less visitors than on days that you don't. This has been observed in my blog and in Playwrite27's. My number of visitors is small, hers is large, but the precentages are very similar. I wonder if anyone else has experienced the same, or is this just happening to Playwrite27 and me?

I checked my viewing figures for yesterday, and I was surprised. They were lower than they have been for the days when I wasn't posting. Isn't that strange? It would appear that my post, or rather the title and first few lines actually put off any potential visitors. I'm thinking they saw it in their friends' posts page, and just didn't bother. I looked at my blog calendar to check how many days I didn't post for and I saw that I posted last on Tuesday. That was a freeky moment because I was sure it was actually Wednesday yesterday. I checked the date on my computer. Yes, today is Thursday. Yesterday was Wednesday. I postsed yesterday. Why was it showing up as having been Tuesday? I looked at the post itself again and noticed the time of posting - nearly 11 pm when I'd posted at around 11 am. Then I noticed that it was posted on Tuesday. I was beginning to think that maybe I was arriving at the doors of insanity, when I realised what had happened. I'd actually started the post on Tuesday evening, but felt too tired to continue with it, so just left it saved as a draft. When I posted it, for some reason it retained the original time of saving and not the time of posting. Mystery solved, I am sane after all. Mwahaha.

Sometimes, and with increasing freqency, I just disappear into myself. Every so often, I just "switch off". Everything starts getting to me. Although on the surface it would not appear to be so, my life is actually very stressful. As someone pointed out when I asked what you thought of me, I tend to worry. And I do. I worry because I can't seem to make anything right any more. I can't make it right for me, and I can't make it right for others. And this bothers me. I suppose that it's because I want to be all things to all people, and of course, that is impossible. I'm constantly stressing about letting others down, and the thing is, I don't think anyone actually feels let down by me, but I feel as though I'm not living up to expectations. That is probably part of the reason I "switch off". I can't do everything, so I end up doing nothing. I imagine it's a coping mechanism. My brain refuses to take any more, and I just withdraw into myself. And then I feel I have to appologise to everyone. Why? I really don't know why, although I'm sure if I thought about it enough, I could come up with reasons that have their roots in the past.

I've realised that blogging is part of my problem. I don't want to stop blogging because I enjoy it so much, but I've really got to try and not worry about commenting. I know I've said that before, and yet I still continue to worry about it. And I worry that after reading every post every day, on the day that I miss a post it will be something really important and then whoever posted it will think that I never read and I don't care. I know this is stupid - I have been reassured enough times by so many really lovely people here, and yet I still stress about it.

I could write more, but time is pressing and I have other things that must be done this morning, things that usually get left because I'm so busy here. Also this post brings to the fore another worry I have - that I'm boring my readers. I think I tend to repeat the same concerns I have over and over. This is not good, and many times I've written a post like this and not posted it. I never know until I press that Save button if it is going to end up posted or not. Life is a very strange thing indeed and sometimes I really don't know what to make of it.

I'm scurrying round like a mad creature trying to remember whose posts I wanted to comment on yesterday, but didn't have time to. The problem with blog is that a day is a long time, much happens and unless I'm sitting here all day, invariably I miss posts or forget to comment on them, or forget where I saw them. So this is why I'm scurrying about. I've tried not to even look at today's posts first (although I did give in for a moment) before making the comments I wanted to yesterday. I think blogging is like an iceberg - you only see the top ten percent, and the other ninety per cent is the time you spend trying to get through what others have posted, and trying to ensure that they know you've read what they've written. Quite honestly, it can't be done. Really. Not for me anyway. I would actually have to sit here all day. It doesn't stop me feeling a tad guilty about not responding to one and all though. And there's always the fear that somehow something important will slip through without me noticing it, and that it will appear that I don't care, when I do.

This is my third day of not posting anything, except of course, I'm posting this now, and I'm a bit amazed to see how many people have visited my blog during my absence. There were 17 here on Sunday, 39 yesterday and 18 already today. Now, whilst these figures aren't amazing, I have at times had only that number of visitors on days I have posted, although recently they have been much better. I'm thinking to myself, people are actually wanting to read something that I write, so I'd better write. Hopefully there will be something later, not that this isn't something, but it isn't the sort of something I have in mind, although I could probably write something daily about blogging. I wonder how many of my posts have been about that? A fair few, I guess, maybe 25-30%. The thing is I love blogging and I love blogging about blogging, and I'm always interested when others do so too. There is endless fascination in the subject.
I've not been feeling so great of late, fed up with frequent illnesses and getting rather down about it all. When I feel like that it's difficult to communicate with anyone, even here. I have actually got a few draft posts that I could post, but I haven't even felt like trawling through them in the hope of finding something that appeals. I also have a few prospective posts yet to be written that have been in my mind for a while. Just to whet your appetites they will include: my view of the British work ethic; how I feel about the journey I have travelled so far; my gardening experiences over the last year or so; and I think there is something else but I can't think what it is just now. In the event I haven't got one of those pieces ready for posting later, I'll probably look out one of those drafts.

I can hardly believe it. At last after nearly eight hours (on and off), I've managed to save the scanned images. And I still don't know how. Eventually, after much clicking, it just happened - not that I hadn't clicked on that a hundred times already. Computers - urgh.

Thanks to all who offerred suggestions. They were much appreciated.

I haven't used my Epson Perfection 2400 Scanner for a couple of years or so, and I'm at a complete loss as to what to do. I've read the Help (of course) but it's no help at all.

I've managed to scan the image, but I can't save it. The instructions are to verify the scanned image in the Verify Assistant and then to save the image using the File Assistant. I have no idea where either of these assistants are. Is there anyone out there who can assist in the finding of the assistants?

It was not the day I was expecting.

I was supposed to be spending the day with my elder daughter, but I felt so ill in the morning, a feeling compounded by not enough sleep, that instead of catching the train I went back to bed with the thought I might catch a later one. Sleep was restless filled with dreams of me getting up to catch a train early enough to make it worthwhile making the journey.

As it happens I was awake early enough because someone rang the doorbell, but I was still far too tired and feeling far too ill to go and see my daughter. Instead, as there was nothing to eat in the house, I went for lunch with my other daughter.

We decided to start with a jug of mai tai. Oh dear, oh dear, it was not a good idea. I'd already taken a combination of aspirin and paracetamol and now with alcohol on top of that, I started to feel very strange, but not too bad whilst sitting down - a bit sort of not quite with it, with sleepiness lapping round the edges, but pleasant enough.

I had to do some shopping after the meal - don't forget, no food. This is where the trouble really started as by now I was very sleepy and unable to think of anything other than my desire to get to bed. I couldn't focus on anything with my head doing strange things as I wandered up and down the isles, not remembering what I wanted or why. I'd find myself standing in front of items for ten minutes or more, weighing up the benefits of different brands only to decide I couldn't decide.

I stood in front of the array of vodkas for a long time, first picking up one bottle then another. I thought it would be a good idea to be able to mix myself a cocktail at home. Why? Why indeed. There certainly are a lot of vodkas to choose from, from different countries and of differing hues. Eventually, I chose the smallest bottle. It's still lying untouched on the kitchen floor. I don't want any of it.

The effects of that lunch time cocktail stayed with me for the rest of the day, and I'm not entirely sure they have left me even as I type. I suppose the mix of virus, painkillers and alcohol is not to be recommened.

I'll certainly try and remember not to do it again. Or is that what I said last time?

Juzzzy's jumping out of a plane on Sunday. He's doing it just for Amy. Click here.

I really fancied some butter on my bread this morning, and there hasn't been any butter in the house for days, so I decided to make some. I could actually have walked the ten minutes to the shops and bought some, but no, that is too easy (besides which their organic butter isn't exactly to my taste). As luck would have it I'd got a carton of organic double cream and I set to making butter. It took forty minutes of shaking the carton and then stirring the resultant very thick cream for about five minutes. After that pour off the buttermilk and sprinkle in some Malden salt and there I had it - butter. Tasty, it was too. But I'm thinking that for real butter making they must use sour cream because the buttermilk is sour. The buttermilk one can buy is sour - mine is sweet. Not that the buttermilk one can buy is the real thing anyway. I had the real thing in the US some decades ago and it was nothing like what can be bought here. It had little specks of butter in it and was much thinner than the stuff from the supermarket. And it was so tasty. Rather like my butter, really.

That's a pretty difficult question I'm asking myself. I mean, what sort of person am I really?

I know there are people who think that I'm the best, and there are those who find me so annoying they can't stand me. As for myself, well, I don't think I'm bad. I've had enough positive feedback from people who know me in real life to feel reasonably good about myself. I would be stupid not to have realised that I was a good wife, a good mother, a good daughter. I think the chances are pretty high that I'm a good grandmother too. Sometimes I've been a good friend, and at other times I've not lived up to expectations.

When it comes to successes, I've rarely succeeded at anything. I'm just not driven. I've had countless schemes, mainly for making money, and mostly they have failed. Actually, all of the money-making schemes failed - probably because I'm not that interested in money, even when short of it. Also, I'm very disorganised. I don't know how that happened because there was a time in my youth when I had everything under control.

I don't really expect anything of anyone, although I may have deluded myself a little on that point. I always thought that my children were free to choose for themselves, but then something my eldest child said made me realise that I did expect my children to do well at school and university. What I really wanted for them was just to be happy, which is something my son pointed out when I mentioned that I wished he'd done better at uni. He said he was happy, so I had succeeded and uni didn't matter.

I am socially rather inept and find it difficult to communicate when I'm in a group of people, and even on a one to one basis I usually need to feel a connection with that person before I feel at ease with them. I'm very forgetful which doesn't help in social situations since I can rarely remember people's names or faces. I'm sure there are many people who feel that I ignore them, but either I don't know I know them, or I'm so engrosed in my thoughts that I just don't see them.

And that, together with what I wrote here (So, What Do Your Really Think Of Me?), is quite enough about me.

Just because you're related to someone doesn't mean that they will want to be your friend, or that you have to be theirs.

Thanks to the three who responded with their favourite words yesterday, but c'mon people, more favourite words please. I really want to know. Here are a couple more favourites of mine - bemused and comestibles.

The ban on smoking to come into force on July 1st seems to me to be something of a misbegotten plan. It really hasn't been very well thought out at all. What sense does it make to force smokers to smoke outside? It's all well and fine whilst the weather is clement, but what about the depth of winter? Death from lung cancer will be swapped for death from pneumonia. Excellent plan - I don't think so. A room with extractor fan and filter would have made more sense. I'm not at all happy with this driving of smokers outside. Whilst they were stuck inside their smokey dens, I could choose whether or not I joined them in there. Now I find as I walk through city centre that I'm freqently inhaling lungs-full of smoke. Not good. Not good at all. Bus shelters, already drafty places are to be made practically useless for their purupose by opening them up almost completely, and no matter how open they are, if someone is smoking there, you can guarantee their smoke is going to be blowing over me. The polutants that I have so carefully avoided for decades are avoidable no longer.

Thank you to everyone who responded to my questions on smoking. I enjoyed reading the answers very much, especially where you also gave your opinion of whether I smoke or not. My favourite answer was from cj592 - that I smoke like a trooper and swear like a chimney. Every time I think of me swearing like a chimney, it makes me smile. My second favourite was from Lindow who said he could imagine me drinking like a fish, but not with a fag hanging out of my mouth. Anyone who still hasn't responded about their own smoking habits are very welcome to do so. Just go here.

My favorite words are bemoiled (muddied) and besmirched (dirtied). I just love the sound of them.
What are your favourites?

I'm going to write what I think of the new smoking laws soon, but before I do maybe my friends here would indulge me once again and say if they think I'm a smoker or not. And I'll have a go at guessing if you are smokers or not.

ajnspencer - I guess no - I guess right
angelkirstin - I guess no - as a smoker in the highest risk group, she's decided to quit
avrilo - not sure - could be an occassional one - wrong - an avid smoker.
Captain_Autumn - probably no - He loathes smoking.
cj592 - probably no - yes, it's no
emsbabee - maybee occassionally - found her out, I did.
freeasthewind - can't guess
GilraenH - don't know
Greybags101 - no
Hobsy_lubs_Munky: Hobbit - no; Monkey - no. Purely guesses.
Husbandorcat - maybe yes
isadora101 - can't guess
jaketaylor - I guess at yes
jenray - smoked her last one today - It's in her blog today
Juzzzy - yes
KandAmoist - I think yes
kevinwilson - don't know
LandersUK - yes - right again
Lindow - probably no - I was right
lyndlj - maybe very rarely
MagicalMysteryTour - probably - totally wrong. He's completely anti-smoking.
MarikaSunSeeker - don't know
MichaelStMark - I think maybe not
mjohnson - maybe yes
moondancer - I guess at yes
playwrite27 - no - I was right
rapunzelrapunzel - yes - I know I'm right
redleader - yes
sixpence - probably not
subville - not sure, maybe yes when stressed - An avid smoker
timekillingkid - don't know - a social chain smoker then
timsuzi - maybe yes
topofthestairs - don't know
wensum24 - probably no
wifey - I imagine so, although maybe not now - I'm so wrong - only when she's so stark-staring angry as to "spontaneously combustabate!"

I wonder how many I've got right. Do let me know.

I've just looked at the five day forcast for my area, and it starts with Friday. It's not Friday, is it? I'm pretty sure it's Saturday, so it must be they're forecasting the past, and conseuently since it's impossible for forecast what has been, it's freaking me out.

Hardly any of you around here just yet. Lyndlj has made here usual morning post, but that is that. No one else on my friends list to be seen. I do like Lyndlj's morning posts, and on the rare occassions when she doesn't do them, it feels very strange round here. Subville posted in the middle of the night feeling rather discouraged with life. Comments disallowed so Subs, I'm sending you a Big Hug from here and I do hope you're feeling more cheerful this morning. Playwrite27 posted four hours ago in the middle of her night. I don't envy her her telemarketeering job at all, or her state of health at the moment. Big Hug for you too, Playwrite27, and I hope you're feeling better.

Right, since nothing much is happening here, I'm going to get on with real life now. A little gardening, methinks. I hope you all have a great day today.

Well I'm back in full addiction mode. I'm feeling better these days and I've got lots to say. Actually, I'm finding it difficult not to just keep writing and writing and writing. And I can't stop reading and reading and reading. And re-reading. I like to look back and remind myself of what you wrote previously, look at those posts I never commented on at the time. The only problem is that I think that if I comment on them now, you'll think I never read them in the first place. What is the matter with me? Actually, sometimes I did never read them in the first place. Even being away for a few days creates a backlog that is practically impossible to clear. Sometimes, especially when there has been a lot of posting by friends, I miss them anyway. I'm always afraid that I'll miss something really important and then you'll be thinking that I don't care. But actually, we're all the the same situation, pretty much, so you all understand - just as I do.

Following on from my desire yesterday to know why you blog, today I'd like to know why you blog here, and how you came to this site. Also if you blog elsewhere, and if you do, how this site compares to that one. I am one very inquisitive person.

Thank you to all of you who indulged me and responded to my recent post So, What Do You Really Think Of Me. It was interesting to read what you thought of me. There were a couple of surprises, but you were most kind. If anyone is interested in what I thought of what you thought, click on the link above, where you will find all in bold type.

It was my intention to write a post about what sort of person I think I am, but at the moment I'm bored of myself. That and I have to get used to being this amazing creature you all seem to think I am. Also I'm not sure I want to disabuse you of your charming notions - not yet anyway!

Last night as I was falling asleep, I thought of something really cool to blog about, and this morning I have no idea what it was, but I know it was something really clever and amazing. However, in the absence of any memory of it, other than that it existed, I cannot actually blog about it, only about its absence. I bet that happens to you sometimes as well.
No? Only me then.

What a busy day it's been - a complete contrast to yesterday. Not only have I managed to get on with some household backlog but I've spent quite some time here too. I've had so many comments today I'm completely ravelled up in them. Still, that's a very delightful situation to be in.

Further to my post of this morning (see below), I'm still interested in reading more about why you blog - comments or links much appreciated.

Has anyone noticed that I've got a new blog list on the right?

I'm very interested in people's reasons for blogging and how they find the experience. I've written about it several times myself, and when I find the relevant posts (and the time) I will link to them. But what I'm doing with this new list, is not just making it easier to access what I have to say on the subject, but also linking to what others have to say. I had thought of trawling through every single friends' blog to find these, but had second thoughts and thus far have only linked to those I've come across recently (even if they aren't recent posts), so if you have written about this and it isn't part of the list, don't take it as a judgement of your work, but please let me have the link to it.

Also, I would love you to comment here on why you blog and how you feel about the experience.

I haven't forgotten about my recent 'How Do You Think Of Me' post and am working on my responses to it. Thank you very much to all who commented on it. Oh, and it's still not too late to have your say.

Another day of my life wasted. I just don't know how it happens. Well, to some extent I do - it's 'cos I haven't got any energy, so everything becomes huge when in fact it's really little. I still feel guilty though because I know I could make better use of my limited energies and time, and I don't. Before I know it twenty more years will have gone by and I'll be thinking, why didn't I do anything during that time?

Many thanks to those of you who have responded to my post of a few days ago. If you haven't commented on So, What Do You Really Think Of Me, then I would love you to do so. I have made short responses to what you've written thus far and in a day or two I shall respond at greater length to let you know how I view myself, and if your comments have thrown up any surprises. Come on now, don't be reticent, and don't forget I can take anything you say on board, even if it seems negative. If you haven't commented yet and would like to do so then either scroll down a little or click on the link above. I look forward to seeing you there.

Here is the start of a work of fiction by my four and three-quarters years old granddaughter.

wons apon a tImn thee wos a casul (once upon a time there was a castle - note her use of the capital I in 'time')
if you gao in it you wil diy beecus theai wil put thee powa and theai wil fas thee pawas on you (if you go in it you will die because they will put their power and they will force their powers on you - I think she may have missed a word or two out here).

The reason there/their is spelt as it is because it's th-e-e. She sounds it all out, but has a little difficulty because she's slightly deaf at the moment, so doesn't always hear words properly. No one has told her to write, she just does it herself. I think she's pretty amazing.

I realised the other day that I've got no household contents insurance, so I phoned my insurer with whom I have home insurance and after being passed from pillar to post and being asked the same questions by three different people, questions that they already have the answers to if only they could be bothered to look up my details, I was informed that I would be phoned with the quotation tomorrow. Yes, all well and fine, but I was never asked about the contents, only about the building. I just can't figure it out. Why ask me about the already insured part and completely ignore the uninsured part? And yes, I did tell them that I wanted to have combined insurance.

I'm not actually with the company Confused.com (although maybe I should be), I just felt like using that for the title being as I am actually confused, you understand.

I sometimes do wonder what people here think of me, what impression they have of me. I was going to write something about myself here, although it may not be anything new, just a rehash of what I may have written already. The trouble is I don't remember much of what I've already written about myself, so I may be endlessly repeating stuff. Ever curious what anyone may think of me, I'm going to ask the questions. What do you think of me? How do you see me? What sort of person do you think I am? And since I am anonymous and I shall never meet any of you, you can be perfectly frank. I even welcome the negative, because unless I know what is wrong, how can I put it right?